Sunday, April 27, 2008

My body the epicenter

Since the big reveal- loving family members all want to know what is going on with the baby. How are you feeling? Are you nauseous? Do you feel tired? Does your belly seem different?

They are all so excited, and the new life will change each of theirs in such a wonderful way. All joy. It is just strange to be at the epicenter of this anticipated event. In case it was not obvious yet- this is much bigger than myself. I feel a bit like a vessel, or an artist given a very important commission.

I continue to contemplate the life within me- and my connection to it, the impact the baby has had on the anticipating grandparents acts as a mirror. Through their eyes and smiles I see beauty and wonder. They know, from the memory of the birth of their children what is to come.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Baby- the awakening

It really was a process. On the ultrasound day we had such great news! Everything looked perfect, could not have asked for more. That afternoon I felt a bit in a fog. It was strange letting it all sink in, yet being at work where being pregnant is very much a secret.

After work Brian and I went out for dinner- it was my birthday. We went to Cafe Natasha's a Persian Restaurant near our house. It was a beautiful evening, the temperature was in the 70's with a light breeze. Pleasant well until sunset, we sat outside in the sidewalk cafe. When we returned home we got on the telephone to share the good news. Grandma was first. She was very surprised, and apparently happy.

"I am so happy for you, I am so happy for Brian, I am so happy for ME!"

Her response was very cute. Grammie next then Great-Grandma and Grandpa Blinn. Finally Jeff- who was so happy he was speachless. If you know your Uncle Jeff you know that does not happen often.

All of these people anxiously awaiting your arrival. We love you already. Especially your Dad- who now looks at me in a special way. Preparing for a trip out of town, this morning he said, "Now you two travel carefully."

In quiet moments I think back to the heartbeat we saw on the ultrasound. Your heart is beating inside of me. A concept that still blows my mind. Weakened by constant nausea, fatigue and tightened waistline I am still struggling a little. It is time for celebration- pausing in the wonder of the life that is changing my body. Feeling the spiritual alignment of those who even at the first thought of you welcome their role in your life. Grandmother, grandfather, uncle, father.

Responses to Ultrasound photo

From: Sue Cook (
Sent: Thu 4/24/08 11:25 PM
To: Jennifer Peura (

Thanks for sending first baby picture to us. Dad and I really enjoyed looking at our grandchild. Although we were not sure what was what, we were confident that the child is beautiful, brilliant and athletic. Have fun visiting Jeff and Peura's. Tell Kristin I was so glad she called. Take good care of yourself. Love, Mom

RE: A 1 cm Peura!‏
From: Kristin Peura (
Sent: Wed 4/23/08 4:54 PM
To: 'Jennifer Peura' (

Dear Jen,
WOW!!!! Very impressive. I am so happy for you. Please keep us in the loop on everything.

Love, Mom

Auntie Sarah
Subject: RE: pic
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:29:17 -0500

I think he looks like me….

(Your Auntie Sarah had an immediate hunch you would be a boy. I think the chance is still 50/50, but if a boy- she called it first!)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

8 weeks and a heart beat

Today we went to the Drs office. We saw you for the first time by ultrasound. We found your heart beat. Your dad was so moved, he said he felt like he could cry. Gladys and Denise were very excited for us. This visit was all good news, much better than our first ultrasound last time. Funny my heart still aches about my first pregnancy worried we will have bad news again. And motherhood still seems like something for other women. It almost feels like I am on the outside, watching all of this happen from a distance.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

A circle

It is hard to wait for my first pre-natal visit with Gladys. Last time I was pregnant I looked forward to it in happy anticipation. I had secretly hoped to find twins, but when the news was bad it was terribly sad. My dear friend Denise was there too, it is not usual for a patient to have two doctors, two friends at the bedside when hearing such bad news. I remember that day. So sad about the loss, but also a feeling of agony, anticipating the long wait until I would be expecting a baby again. Never in my wildest dreams would have I imagined a broken arm and hip surgery would come before another baby.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Boy am I tired. I have to keep going at work. If I slow down, I am down for the count. And hungry. Constantly hungry. And thirsty. Wicked thirsty. There is a noticeable difference between last week and this one. Recovering from hip surgery I am familiar with this type of fatigue. Just need to rest more, and be patient with myself. Not likely there will be too many exciting evening outings in the weeks to come.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Half an Inch!

Today begins week 7. Last week I was very excited about the heart growing, but this week even better..... little arms and legs. Arms that you will use wave hello and goodbye, write your name, pet Smokey. Legs that will you will use to play soccer with your dad, jump up and down and stand tall. How exciting.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

My Little Secret

This week has been a big one for my career. Big discussions to determine my future as a physician. Previous plans changed. A lot of uncertainty, which is unusual for someone who has had every year planned out, in four year increments since 1996. It could be a horrible situation. Instead I am quiet. A new role for me, one that will mean more than any patient, experiment or assignment ever could. My baby is growing, and it is my little happiness, my little secret.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


Today has been my toughest so far. I could not sleep last night, and stayed awake until 3AM. I got up today at 8AM. I have felt nauseous all day, and of course tired. Amy thinks it is my hormones changing that makes it difficult to sleep. That could be. I think it is also the worrying about my job in the lab, the unknown path for my career and the little one growing in my belly. Yesterday and today I was able to go for a walk. Smokey and I went into the park, about 1 mile. He loves to walk, and really likes to see the squirrels. He only wishes he could chase them- but not allowed on the leash. Now in the back yard- the furry creatures are fair game.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Now a heart!

Six weeks today. Seems pretty fast since the first two weeks are a freebie. Your heart begins to develop this week. I can remember in medical school when we learned about the folding and twisting of the heart. Changing from a long tube into a complex organ with four chambers. The heart is a beautiful organ, my work is dedicated to it. I listen to the heart, look at it by ultrasound and x-ray. The idea of now two hearts in my body, it is pretty cool indeed.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Exciting Week

It has been an exciting week back at home. Dr. Tse (I call her Gladys because we went to med school together) ordered a blood test to measure my hcg. Wednesday it was 500, Friday it was 1200. This is a very good sign that you are growing normally. I told your Aunt Sarah- and she was so excited that she called me back 3 times to ask more questions. Your Aunt Amy is pregnant with her little baby. When I told her she cried. It will be fun for us to grow babies together.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Happy Birthday Smokey!

Yesterday was Smokey's birthday. He turned two, 14 in dog years. Your dad brought Smokey when he picked me up at work. I had come from the airplane so needed a ride home. When I stepped out the back door of the building dad let him off the leash and he bolted toward me. Ears flapping in the wind. He saw me, and he missed me. I shouted, Happy Birthday Good Boy! We love this dog so much, he makes our life so happy.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Fourteen days plus some

Fourteen days turned into 21, into 36. Three pregnancy tests were negative. ALL THREE. I was very sad. Last weekend I traveled to Chicago. Wondering if, on the smallest chance, I thought about stopping at Walgreen's to buy another test. I told myself that I was being silly- so I did not. Last night when walking in the rain, I slipped on the sidewalk. My left leg went out from under me, and down I went on my right knee. It was had to walk, so I took a taxi back to the hotel. In order to clean my skinned knee I went to the drug store to buy bandages, neosporine and some motrin anticipating pain from the accident.

Just because I had not given up hope. Just because I did not want to take medicine and hurt my little baby. I bought another pregnancy test.

Just because I felt sorry for myself I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. Eating ice cream for dinner I called your father and told him about my fall. He was really worried and wished I was home.

Later, before bed I took the pregnancy test. As it developed I had to blink my eyes several times, I could not believe there was a plus sign! After three negatives, a plus!

Clutching it close I crawled into bed and called your dad. He chatted about how he and Smokey are getting ready to go to sleep, and how Smokey is attached to a new toy. I could hear the funny squeaks of the hedge hound in the background. Then I told him that the test was positive, that I was pregnant. Really?!!?!! Now I really wish you were home, he said. I was still so surprised I had to keep looking at the result. At one point while we shared tender words over the phone I started to cry. Happy tears.

The next morning I got up early to fly back to St. Louis. I carried the positive pregnancy test in my carry-on bag. As if I was returning with an award- and so that I could keep peeking- to reassure my self that my eyes were not playing tricks on me!